Look. We have to talk.
I don't want to be one of those couples who go years with their arms crossed, in tense silence, with no warmth or affection. And I think this is the stage we're at: constantly angry, bitter, resentful, frustrated.
It didn't always feel this way. But this was an arranged marriage, remember, so we obviously didn't know each other in the beginning.
I learned as a child that you were the best match I could have possibly hoped for - the biggest and most powerful and bestest ever country of all time. And I loved you the way I loved my mommy: with eyes that saw no flaws. I named my doll Nancy after Nancy Reagan, the closest thing I had to a queen. There was no gray in my world. I was safe, happy, people spoke of freedom ad nauseam....... this was going to be a great relationship. Forever.
That's what I thought, I really did.
As I've gotten older, our differences have gradually come between us. As I moved on from childhood, my pride in you dwindled, not only because of your faults, which seemed to be expanding the more I learned about you, but because I realized how fucking stupid it was to take pride in something that was handed to me with no work or effort on my part, just luck.
Okay, okay, by now you're wondering what's really going on, why is this all coming out now, this is so sudden, we've been so happy in the past. And you're probably a little suspicious, and I am beating around the bush a little, I apologize. The truth is..... I have met someone else.
You're furious and I understand. You're probably yelling "Traitor!" But I am not, I assure you. The truth is...... it's not me, it's you.
See, I'm not a traitor. I just realized that I am the only one trying to save this marriage.
I've been telling you for over two decades how important my values are to me: education, life, freedom, health, peace, in no particular order. And you have been promising me for decades that you would learn to value these things along with me. You promised me you'd change.
Well, time's up. Thirty-nine years is all I'm willing to wait. I'm at an age now where I'm not willing to give away years while you try to figure out why I matter. (fyi: I matter because I'm a person. You know I've been trying to tell you that for YEARS, even though I know the questions you're going to ask next: "But what color are you? What's your sexual orientation? Are you rich? Are you poor? Are you educated? Are you fuckable? Are you Christian? Are you an immigrant? Do you have developmental disabilities? Do you have mental health issues? What gender are you? How big is your house?" And then I would respond, "NO, DUDE, I matter because I'm a HUMAN BEING." And then you'd get a nosebleed and we would have to continue the conversation later. Remember? This was just last week.)
I have tried so hard to get you to change. To help you understand why my values are important to me. I've called representatives, senators, I've written letters, donated money, given my time, attended protests, signed petitions..... I really feel like I've done all I can except run for public office, but my anxiety disorder would make such an endeavor about as pleasant as killing myself with a blender.
I can feel your eyes scanning this letter, wondering who the other guy is. And yes, I'm afraid your suspicion is founded.
Now, I realize you're probably angry, and I understand that. But you really have no right to be angry with me. Because like I said, it's not me. It's you.
Maybe you remember some of these past conversations?
Me: What would happen if I got cancer?
You: Do you have insurance?
You: Then you'll probably just go bankrupt from deductibles and co-pays and out-of-network providers that will most certainly be assigned to you at some point. But don't worry, you won't be like, millions of dollars in debt because you have insurance. You're lucky!
Me: What if I didn't have insurance or money?
You: Eat shit and die for all I give a fuck.
Me: What happens if I get killed by a gun?
You: I'll do my best to make sure the person who kills you is put in jail. Then I will fully rally around the NRA to ensure that other people will be killed in the future.
Me: What if I got shot and didn't have insurance?
You: Oh, well then I'd piss on you before I went to rally around the NRA. But don't worry, I'd still try to get the person who shot you put in jail. Unless a police officer shoots you, then it's cool. But you don't have to worry about that, you're white, right?
Me: You're always bragging about your American dream. My husband's dream was to be a veterinarian. He attended a state university for four years for veterinary school. Those four years cost us $350,000 + $26,000 in interest every year, so now it's up to nearly half a million dollars and quickly growing. His starting salary as a doctor was $50,000. How can you claim to value education and then set up your students, the future leaders of you, to certain failure and condemn them to a lifetime of massive debt?
Me: I'm a woman.
You: Are you fuckable?
Me: I think so?
You: Go away if you're not fuckable.
Me: That seems really weird.
You: You're still talking but I don't care about the words that come out of your mouth if you're not fuckable.
Me: I want rights to my own body.
You: HAAAAAAAA HAAA HA HA HA HAAAAAA HA *giggle cough snort* OMG MY FACE HURTS!!!! HAAAAA HA HA HA STOP STOP I CAN'T TAKE IT YOU ARE *snort* JUST THE FUNNIEST HAAAAAAAA HAAA HA HA HA I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL THE GUYS THEY ARE GOING TO DIE
ME: I care immensely about the LGBT community. Do you----
You: HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE LET YOU WHINEY BASTARDS GET MARRIED SHUT UP AND GO AWAY and seriously don't touch me or look at me. I don't want God to think I've gone gay.
Me: Oh yeah, about that God thing. Isn't there supposed to be a separations of church and state?
Me: I'm not Christian.
You: *sigh* All right, I didn't want it to come to this. I'm going to have to kill you because you are a terrible person and a worthless human being.
Me: I value science immensely and staunchly believe it should be taught in our schools.
You: But we don't want to teach lies. We want to teach the Bible. Oh my God, look at how distressed you are! Come on, no tears. I'm sorry I'm laughing, but girls are so cute when they're mad.
Me: My employer grabbed my butt when I was leaving the office. It freaked me out and now I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I don't know what to do.
Me: I want to be paid a dollar like Jeff.
You: Here's seventy-seven cents. Be grateful.
Me: Oh my God, these exhausted people fleeing violent countries! Torn to shreds! Children! We have resources to help them! We should!
You: No. I only value children if they're American or in the womb. Unless they're poor. Remember how we just revoked the free lunch program in elementary schools because those lazy motherfuckers wouldn't bring up their grades? Parasites.
Me: I thought you were Christian?
You: *confused* I am. Why?
Me: The environment should be our number one priority because without it, we have no hope.
You: *taking a bath in oil* I keep telling you, I'm working on that. Patience, woman, geez.
Me (in disguise): I'm a rich corporation!
You: *begin cunnilingus*
Look, I know Canada isn't perfect. They have problems and legislation that makes me mad (QUIT BANNING PIT BULLS, MONTREAL!!) and they will continue to make me mad.
But it will still be better. Because my core values fit theirs. If I get cancer, Canada won't tell me to fuck myself. If I want an education, Canada won't outright rob me, set me up to fail, and condemn me to debtor's prison as a reward for all my hard work. The people of Canada elected a person who's first priority was to make his cabinet 50/50 men/women because they value me as a woman. You elected one that brags about his entitlement to my pussy. And they don't pretend to separate church and state. They do.
I know what your saying: You can change! And of course you can. Your next leader could be AWESOME! Really! And honestly, I think your next leader will be awesome because I think there's going to be a swing in the other direction. However, even if you have a fabulous new leader, the citizens that elected your present one will still be there. And they frighten me.
Yes, I used the word frighten. Because I think their ideas are exceedingly dangerous and potentially catastrophic. Waking up every day, knowing they're going to be there in my grocery store, delivering my mail, directing traffic, teaching our children...... it's eating me away and I'm slowly becoming more and more agoraphobic. I feel like my soul has an ache that won't go away because your flaws, America, have overpowered everything good in my eyes.
And it finally dawned on me: What the fuck am I DOING here?
All this time I didn't want to leave because it felt like abandoning my post. I felt, and still feel, a responsibility to stay and fight for change. But the truth is, I'm fighting for a country that literally doesn't care if I die. And I've been trying for so long to explain why I matter, but you're not listening. And even if you start listening some years down the road, it's too late now. I'm not willing to wait any more. I've done my part and now I feel like I need to be with people who value me. In a country that values me.
So we're coming up with a plan to leave. When I was little I thought I was lucky to be born in America, but now I consider myself super duper lucky to be married to a Canadian citizen. We're doing the research, counting the funds, and starting dreams. Don't worry, this won't happen for a few years. Moves like this take time and money, but we're starting the process.
I don't like the story you're telling, America, and I don't want to be a part of your story any more. I don't want to be part of your history. I want out.
So good-bye, America. I'm leaving you.
And I'm taking my pussy with me.